Managing Holiday Stress and Stressful Conversations Part 2: Navigating Interpersonal Conflict

As we discussed in Part 1, the holiday season oftentimes includes gatherings, gift-giving, and dinners, with a side dish of stress. A common source of this stress relates to interpersonal conflict, unrealistic or unfair expectations, and boundary-pushing. Moreover, holidays come with a lot of competing commitments from a lot of competing people, and a lot of opportunities for social interaction – maybe MORE than you want? It can also come with Uncle Carl – you know, that one family member who just really loves to push boundaries, and buttons, while smashing those potatoes?

In part two of our series on managing holiday stress and stressful conversations, we offer tips on how you can use assertive communication to stay true to your values and set boundaries to protect your peace. Spoiler alert: No is a full sentence

Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting is here to support you through it all, offering therapeutic support and individual therapy. And if you’re in North Carolina, don’t miss our virtual therapeutic support group starting on November 14th, available at a pay-what-you-can rate.

Interpersonal Conflict, Stress, and Anxiety Symptoms

Interpersonal conflict, in its various forms, can be a major source of stress. When we engage in disagreements, arguments, or confrontations, our bodies often respond with a surge of stress hormones, such as cortisol. These hormones can trigger a variety of physical and emotional symptoms, including increased heart rate, muscle tension, irritability, and anxiety. When these conflicts occur during the holiday season, it can compound the already existing stressors related to shopping, planning, travel, finances, and time management.

Here are some common stress symptoms that can result from interpersonal conflict:

  • Physical symptoms: These may include headaches, muscle tension, gastrointestinal distress, and even cardiovascular issues. The heightened state of arousal that often accompanies conflict can take a toll on your body.
  • Emotional symptoms: Interpersonal conflict can lead to feelings of anxiety, anger, frustration, and even sadness. These emotions can be especially challenging during the holiday season when we are “expected” to spread joy and happiness (that is a whole other topic!)
  • Cognitive symptoms: Conflicts can lead to racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating, and rumination. It becomes hard to focus on the holiday spirit when your mind is preoccupied with unresolved issues.
  • Behavioral symptoms: Stress from interpersonal conflict may lead to changes in behavior, such as increased irritability, social withdrawal, or even overindulgence in food and drink as a way to cope.

Holiday Conflict Triggers

The holiday season is jam-packed with potential triggers for interpersonal conflict. From struggling to decline invitations to navigating difficult conversations with family members, many of us find ourselves in challenging situations that can lead to stress.

  • Saying No: It can feel so challenging to say no to social engagements and perceived commitments. You might feel obligated to attend every holiday party, which can lead to overextending yourself and feelings of resentment. Or, maybe family is pressuring you to do things on their schedule, in their way, around the holidays. As hard as it can be, you have every right to say no. You have every right to set a boundary, and to attend only what feels meaningful for you. And, no “reason” is necessary. Remember, no is a full a sentence.
  • Family Conversations: Family gatherings, while often joyful, can also be a breeding ground for stress. Conversations about politics, differing values, or past conflicts can lead to heated exchanges, creating tension and discomfort. Remember, you can’t control what others do or say, but you can control how you respond or engage. Is Uncle Carl bringing up the 2024 election, and you don’t want to discuss this over green beans, or with Uncle Carl at all? Feel free to assertively request a subject change, ask to not discuss this at this time, or take a break from the table if that will best serve you!
  • Gift Giving: Disagreements about gift choices or the financial aspects of gift-giving can also lead to conflict. This is particularly relevant in the era of gift registries, where expectations can run high. If, for any number of reasons, exchanging gifts does not feel meaningful, doable, or important this holiday season, let others know. Utilize assertive communication in sharing your needs – “I am looking forward to spending the holiday with you. However, our family will not be participating in a gift exchange this year. Please do not purchase gifts for us. Presence is all the presents we need!”

Assertive Communication Tips for This Holiday Season From A Psychologist

Assertive communication is a key tool for managing difficult conversations and conflicts during the holidays. It’s a style of communication that emphasizes the importance of both people’s needs. During assertive communication, a person, clearly shares and stands by their own needs, wants, and feelings, but also listens to, and respects the needs of others. Some cornerstones of assertive communication include confidence, a willingness to compromise, and clearly stating one’s own needs and wants. Here are three examples of how assertive communication can help in navigating interpersonal demands or conflict this holiday season:

  • Expressing Feelings: Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns. For example, instead of saying, “You always make us go to your holiday party,” say, “I feel overwhelmed when we have multiple commitments during the holidays, and I’d like to find a way to balance our schedules.”
  • Active Listening: Practice active listening by repeating what the other person has said to ensure you understand their perspective. For instance, if a family member is upset about a past argument, say, “I hear that you’re still upset about our argument last year. Can you tell me more about how it affected you?”
  • Setting (and Maintaining) Boundaries: Use assertive communication to set boundaries. For instance, if you’re uncomfortable discussing certain topics with family members, say, “I’d prefer not to discuss politics during our holiday dinner. Let’s focus on enjoying our time together.” Sometimes, though, people may not hear you the first time around (to put it generously). So, you may need to repeat your boundary once or twice more. If a person is ultimately not respecting your boundary and continues to discuss topics or try to engage you in conversations that are uncomfortable or unwelcomed, consider having an exit plan in place. Is there a way for you to take a break – go to another room, use the restroom, go outside, go to the store – or leave the gathering entirely. It is absolutely not rude to remove yourself from a situation that is uncomfortable at best, and harmful at worst.

The Power of Setting Boundaries

As a psychologist in NC, I talk with folx about boundaries a lot. Setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary practice, especially during the holiday season. Boundaries help define what is acceptable and unacceptable in your interactions with others, providing a framework for respectful communication and conflict resolution.

Setting boundaries can protect your emotional well-being, promote healthier relationships, and reduce stress. For instance, if you know that discussing certain topics with a particular family member will lead to conflict, setting a boundary can help you avoid those situations or navigate them more effectively.

It’s essential to communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively to those involved. Let them know what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and be prepared to negotiate and compromise when necessary.

Let’s say Uncle Carl always loves to ask you about your romantic life. And, let’s say, you don’t want to talk about that with Uncle Carl. Consider setting a boundary. Something like “I appreciate your interest, Uncle C. That’s not something I’d like to talk about right now. Tell me what is new in your life that you would like to share?”

Additionally, remember that setting boundaries doesn’t mean shutting people out or being unkind. It’s about maintaining your emotional well-being and preserving your “holiday spirit.” By defining your boundaries, you can ensure that your holidays are filled with joy, love, and positivity, rather than stress and conflict.

*P.S. – no Uncle Carl’s were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Group, Relationship, and Individual Therapeutic Support for Holiday Stress For North Carolinians

In conclusion, managing holiday stress and dealing with stressful conversations is a challenge that many of us face during this holiday season. Interpersonal conflict can be a significant source of stress, leading to various physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral symptoms. However, by employing assertive communication skills and setting healthy boundaries, you can navigate these challenging situations effectively.

Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting is here to support you through the holiday season, offering relationship support and individual therapy. For those in North Carolina, don’t miss our virtual therapeutic support group on Managing Holiday Stress, beginning November 14th, available at a pay-what-you-can rate. Remember that you have the power to take charge of your holiday experience, reducing stress and ensuring that the holidays are truly a time of joy, love, and connection.

Get started today! We offer free 20-minute consults that can be self-scheduled below! Or, reach out! We would be glad to further discuss your needs and help to get you connected with one of our awesome therapists in North Carolina.

Looking forward to meeting you!

 

 

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