Guest Blog Authored by Michelle F. Moseley, LCMHC (she). Michelle is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC and owner of Michelle F. Moseley Counseling, PLLC.
Religious or spiritual beliefs are often a core part of a person’s life, whether currently or at a central time in their past. Religious practices can provide meaning and purpose, and for many can also provide support, belonging, and be a source of healing during trying times.
Religion, religious communities, and related beliefs can also be a source of great harm, inundating people with long-lasting feelings of shame, and trauma. Religious trauma can leave far-reaching impacts when religious beliefs don’t align with identity or when harm happens in the community you trusted, and sometimes without consequence.
As a licensed mental health counselor who also has lived experience of spiritual abuse and religious trauma, I welcome this opportunity to share a bit about gender-based religious harm and options for finding healing.
What is Religious Trauma?
I often describe trauma as anything that is too much, too soon, too fast, or lasts too long for a person’s nervous system. Every person’s nervous system is different, so something that is traumatic for one person may not be traumatic for another person.
Religious trauma is when something that is too much, too soon, too fast, or lasts for too long happens within a religious context. Another way to think about religious trauma is that it includes the physical and emotional responses that occur when religious beliefs or practices overwhelm a person’s ability to cope or to experience a sense of safety.
Other terms that might resonate with a person’s experience include:
- adverse religious experience – any experience of religious belief or practice that undermines your sense of autonomy and/or negatively impacts your well-being. The feeling of something being “off.”
- spiritual abuse – the misuse of power in a spiritual or religious context, resulting in harm to an individual.
Religious trauma can include other types of abuse (physical, verbal, sexual, financial, emotional, etc.) that occurs within a religious or spiritual context. The impacts of religious trauma are experienced in a variety of ways, ranging from a negative self-concept to difficulties relating to others to unexpected physical responses.
Understanding Religious Trauma and Gender-Based Harm
Gender-based harm is a common theme among those who have experienced religious harm. Many high-control religious contexts have rigid, binary views of gender. This includes teaching that all people fit within the gender categories of male/men and female/women. This assignment as female or male then impacts every aspect of an individual’s experience within the religious group. In these binary views and teachings, sex and gender are conflated to be the same thing, and folks with diverse gender identities are oftentimes not accepted and experience harm..
Within some of these teachings, boys are given specific toys – tools, tractors, sports equipment – and are expected to be energetic, “rough and tumble”, and built for leadership.
Likewise, girls might be given specific toys – dolls, kitchen sets, art supplies – and are expected to be quiet, polite, and concerned about their appearance.
This gender divide follows throughout life and is built into the religious system. Men are taught they are the leaders in both the church and the home. They are often assumed to have characteristics such as being a sports enthusiast, hypersexual, an outspoken leader, and to struggle with self-control.
Women are taught that their role is to be submissive to men, both in the church and within their homes. They are told their greatest role in life is to be a mother. They are often given messages that they are responsible for the behavior of the men around them, while being placed in roles of providing (often unpaid) emotional labor. Beyond the harmful binary and rigid gender messaging, sexism, and misogyny are also assumptions about heteronormativity and expectations relating to child birthing and childrearing.
These rigid gender roles also include rules about interactions between men and women. Many events are separate – men’s events and women’s events – from adolescence through adulthood. The expectation is that men and women will pair off, get married, and have children. The prescribed interactions often focus on a single man pursuing a relationship with a single woman, with the man guiding the course and the woman obediently following along. In many contexts, once a man and woman pair off, neither of them can freely talk with other men or women under guidelines of “avoiding temptation” outside the marriage relationship.
Examples of Gender-Based Religious Trauma
This rigid view of gender and relationships is harmful for all individuals. Here a few ways that gender-based religious trauma can happen:
- Denying the existence of trans, non-binary, and gender expansive folks. When the only acceptable ways of being are the binary categories of cisgender man and cisgender woman, many people’s very existence is denied. This form of abuse can impact the mental, emotional, and physical health of an individual, while also eliminating options for spiritual practice and community. This can also lead to the attempted implementation of or suggestion of harmful practices such as conversion therapies. For more information as to why conversion therapy is not ethical care, click here for Be BOLD’s blog on Conversion Therapy is Not Ethical Care: Why Affirming Therapy Matters for LGBTQIA+ Clients in North Carolina.
- Lack of opportunity for identity exploration or development. Trying new things and exploring various aspects of identity are a typical part of growing up. An environment that prescribes your interests and character traits based on a gender assigned at birth doesn’t leave room for natural exploration or to develop into your own unique identity. Limiting the interests and experiences of everyone. Everyone involved in a high-control religious system is limited by the strict gender binary. Rigid rules about “acceptable” interests can mean that all women are denied access to participating in sports while all men are left ill-equipped to manage basic life tasks such as cooking and laundry. These systems do not cultivate well-rounded, fully human experiences.
- Prescribing a relationship hierarchy that excludes many. A view of gender that idolizes the relationship of a man-woman monogamous marriage overlooks and harms the many people who don’t fit this “standard.” Single adults. Queer relationships. Polyamorous groupings. Open marriages. Platonic life partners. All of these folks, and more, are left out of the story and prohibited from the full spectrum of interactions.
- Forcing people to choose between authenticity and community. A faith community can be central to some people’s life and sense of purpose. Many people find themselves working to navigate their place inside a system that doesn’t fully accept them. They may find they are left with the choice to either embrace their authentic self – gender, interests, skills, relational desires – or to remain engaged with their faith community while hiding core parts of themselves.
Gender-based religious harm is common, even within many well-known or “mainstream” religious contexts. For some folks, this harm is felt intensely and in multiple ways, which may contribute to an experience of religious trauma.
Options for Healing from Religious Trauma and Gender-Based Harm
Religious trauma is complex. Survivors are often left questioning their worth, feeling abandoned by their loved ones, and struggling to figure out the next steps of their journey.
Healing includes gaining a growing understanding of your experience, working through the ongoing impacts, and reclaiming a sense of meaning in your life.
What are some options for finding healing?
Look for helpful resources.
I knew of very few resources back in 2013 when I was navigating my own journey of acknowledging and healing from spiritual abuse and religious trauma. I am so thankful for the many books, podcasts, documentaries, and online communities that exist now to help folks feel less alone in healing. A quick internet search can lead you to a variety of resources. I also welcome you to check out this Religious Trauma Resource Guide that I created to help with finding resources that relate to your experience.
Work with a therapist who understands religious trauma.
Finding a therapist can be difficult. Finding one who understands the complexities of religious trauma and the ways it can impact every area of your life can feel impossible. If you’re located in North Carolina, I invite you to check out my website and complete a contact form if you’d like to schedule a free, virtual consultation to see if we might be a good fit for working together.
For folks outside of NC or those who are looking for something different than what I can offer, both the Reclamation Collective Resource Directory and the Secular Therapy Project Directory can be helpful in finding a therapist who understands religious trauma.
Connect with other survivors of religious harm.
The loss of community is often one of the most painful parts of religious trauma. Many individuals invest lots of time and emotional effort in trying to maintain relationships or to change themselves in order to keep connections with their faith communities. This relational loss can make it even more difficult to attempt connecting with others on your healing journey.
The harm done within religious groups often finds the deepest healing with connections made in supportive groups of survivors. This can be an informal gathering, an online discussion board, or a support group or therapy group designed for survivors of religious harm. I regularly facilitate a virtual therapy group – Wounded By Faith – for adults (18+) located in NC who have experienced religious harm. These 8-week groups run 1-2 times per year, are limited to 6 participants, and are intentionally LGBTQ+-celebratory and neurodivergent-affirming. You can learn more here and complete an interest form to schedule a free, pre-group consultation and see if the Wounded By Faith group might be a good next step in your own healing.
Religious trauma and spiritual abuse attack the core of your identity, yet often go unrecognized or dismissed. If this post resonates with your experience, I send you care and compassion as you figure out the next right steps in your own healing journey.
About the author:
Michelle F. Moseley (she/her) is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in NC. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma, and with those who have body image concerns, finding there is frequent overlap in these areas. She also frequently supports late-identified neurodivergent individuals as they navigate the grief and relief of a new understanding of self. You can learn more about Michelle by visiting her website at MichelleFMoseley.com or following her on Instagram – @therapy_with_michelle
