Tips For Effective Communication From An Online Couples Therapist in North Carolina

Do you feel like you and your partner(s) are constantly butting heads? Are you struggling to find a way to effectively communicate with each other? Maybe you feel like you and your partner(s) are speaking two completely different languages. If so, you’re not alone.

Communication is one of the biggest challenges people face in their relationships. In this blog post, an online couples therapist at Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting in North Carolina will discuss some tips for effective communication in relationships. We’ll also provide some tips on how to process your feelings before talking to your partner, as well as advice on choosing the right time to talk. Finally, we’ll give you some tips on setting boundaries. If these tools seem daunting, don’t worry – we’ll also provide information on how to get help through counseling with an online couples therapist in North Carolina!

Communication Can Be Challenging for Couples

If you’re like most couples, communication can be a challenge. It’s hard to effectively and productively communicate with your partner(s) when feeling angry, resentful, or frustrated. When we are feeling some of these emotions, it’s important to be aware of your tone and body language. If you’re feeling angry or resentful, try to take a deep breath and relax your body before you start talking. It will also be helpful to allow yourself these extra few seconds to pause, and really try to hear what your partner said before you respond.

Using “I Feel” Statements

Likewise, it is also important to focus on being both heard and listening. Start with ‘I’ statements and focus on your feelings. Consider using this template:

“I feel [insert emotion] when [insert description of situation].”

Some good emotion words to use might be frustrated, upset, scared, hurt, unimportant, unheard, undesirable, or sad. You can also consider using this Feelings Wheel for a richer description of potential emotions.

Also, try your very, very best not to say “you” when offering your ‘I feel’ statements. When we incorporate “you” into our ‘I feel’ statement, it is more likely to lead to defensiveness on the part of your partner. So, try to practice before you share your statement. That being said, sometimes the word “you” simply cannot be avoided. In this case, try to also incorporate “we” and “us” to diffuse some of the defensiveness your partner may experience.

For example, when your partner leaves a bunch of dishes in the sink and you really need some help, instead of

“I am so done with doing everything around here. You’re so lazy. You can’t even wash a single dish.”

Try, “I feel overwhelmed and underappreciated when dirty dishes are left in the sink overnight.”

Let’s say your partner said they would be home by 8:30 P.M., and do not come home until 10 at night, leaving you wondering, worried, and maybe angry. Instead of

“You are so unreliable, you never come home when you say you will.”

Try, “I feel worried and scared when you get home later than we had discussed. I feel scared something bad may have happened.”

Making a Positive Request

Next, make a positive request. What is something you would like your partner to do for you (not something they should stop doing or not do) in response to the situation or distressing event? In the above example about the dishes, a positive request might be, “I wonder if we could work together to make sure the dishes are put into the dishwasher each night?” In the situation where one partner says they will be home at a certain time and comes home later, a positive request might be, “It would be really helpful, and I would feel less worried, if you could sent me a text if you will be running behind. Is that something we could incorporate?”

Taking A Break In An Argument With Your Partner is Healthy

Finally, if you’re feeling overwhelmed while working on communication, it’s okay to take a break from the conversation. However, there are some Do’s and Don’ts with this to ensure you both feel heard, respected, and secure.

Suggestions From A Couples Therapist On What To Do

• Agree upon a time frame for your break. It is recommended to take at least 30 minutes, if possible.
• Return at the time you say you will. If you need more time, that’s okay! Just come back, and ask for more time.
• Respect if your partner returns and requests more time.
• Engage in a positive, self-care activity during the break, such as going for a walk, listening to music, coloring or drawing, playing with a pet, or lifting weights.
• Go to sleep frustrated! Sometimes you need to call the break to occur overnight, and agree to resume the next day!

And Not To Do

• Walk away or walk out without requesting the break and agreeing upon a return time.
• Refuse to allow your partner to take a break. No conversation goes well when both parties are escalating in their frustration or anger. The chances of saying something neither person means increases and the chances of coming to an understanding decreases.
• Return later than agreed upon – this erodes trust and security in your relationship. Even if you need more time, come back and make that request.
• Call someone to vent about the argument; this break is meant to remove yourself from the argument entirely and calm down so that you can return more clear-headed and able to both hear your partner and better express your needs.
• Argue in circles as the clock ticks on into the night, then the early morning. I don’t know about you, but I do not know anyone who truly heard the other person and felt equally heard at 3:30 AM. I do, however, know a lot of people who were too tired to care anymore – which ultimately leads to resentment, not resolution.

Is Working With an Online Couples Therapist In North Carolina Right For You?

If you’ve tried some of these tips, and you are still having trouble communicating with your partner on a regular basis, online couples counseling in North Carolina can be a great way to learn how to effectively communicate with each other. In couples therapy, you’ll be able to practice and receive feedback on skills like active listening, using “I feel” statements, and communicating more assertively (rather than passively, aggressively, or passive-aggressively). You may also learn how to build love maps, explore your Sound Relationship House, and identify and practice antidotes to The Four Horsemen of relationship work. Finally, your couples therapist in North Carolina will encourage you to practice curiosity, as opposed to defensiveness.

It’s not always easy to ask for help, but if you and your partner are feeling lost, we urge you to reach out about couples therapy. Be Bold Psychology and Consulting is here for you. Our relationship, marriage, and couples therapists in North Carolina would love to help.

Get started working with a couples therapist in North Carolina by following these steps:

1. Contact us today at info@beboldpsychnc.com or self-schedule your free consult here
2. Start meeting with a supportive online couples therapist in North Carolina
3. Reconnect, rebuild, and strengthen your relationship with effective communication.

Don’t have time for weekly sessions? Maybe an online relationship intensive is a better option! Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting offers online relationship intensive retreats one Friday each month. Contact us today to learn if an online relationship intensive retreat may be right for you!