With the holidays upon us, many of you will be spending time with, how should we say, “difficult” people. Be BOLD Psychology and Consulting is here to help! Yes, it can be stressful to interact with people who have strong personalities, difficulty with boundaries, differing (or harmful/oppressive) perspectives, and emotional needs. This time of year may also add stress to otherwise important and healthy relationships, but puts communication challenges under a microscope. And, there are ways to handle these interactions without losing your cool—and without letting stress overwhelm you or ruin your holiday spirit. By identifying signs of stress and becoming more aware of your own emotions before entering a potentially stressful situation, you can reduce the likelihood that a tense interaction will become an argument or lead to longer lasting negative impacts for yourself or others.
Signs of acute and chronic stress
When you’re in the throes of acute stress, you may experience these symptoms:
- Increased heart rate
- Sweating
- Shortness of breath
- Muscle tension
- Loss of motivation
- Memory problems
- Disrupted sleep, diet, or exercise
- Interpersonal conflict
- Social withdrawal
- Procrastination
- Constant or racing thoughts
When you have chronic stress, those same symptoms will continue unabated for a period of time. Chronic stress is often caused by an accumulation of smaller stresses that build up over time and create a cumulative effect. If you’ve ever had an all-nighter before a midterm or final exam, then you know what it’s like to be strung out on coffee and pizza while trying to finish your last assignment. Those feelings—the jitters, headache, nausea—are all indications that your body has been pushed past its limit due to chronic stress. Other symptoms and consequences of chronic stress include:
- Anxiety Disorders
- Depression
- Skin Diseases
- Memory Impairment
- Substance Use
- Sleep Disorders
- Weakened immune system
Healthy versus unhealthy coping skills
Healthy coping skills are active and problem-focused. They help you to think about what you can do to solve the problem, rather than dwelling on the past or feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts. For example, if you’re worried about getting a winter cold because it will keep you from visiting family members over the holidays, try taking vitamin C supplements or eating more fruits and vegetables to boost immune function.
Another healthy approach would be to accept your feelings without judgment—for example, telling yourself that it’s okay not to enjoy every aspect of this holiday season (or any other). Other examples of health coping skills include:
- Talking about your problem with a therapist
- Relaxation techniques such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation
- Using social support
- Movement/exercise
- Engaging in an enjoyable hobby
Unhealthy coping strategies tend to be passive and focused on the past; they might make things worse in the long run by increasing levels of stress hormone cortisol in your body. Some examples of unhealthy coping skills include
- Drug or alcohol use
- Disordered eating
- Procrastination
- Sleeping too much or too little
- Social withdrawal
- Self-harm
- Aggression
Take some time to learn about your own emotions and coping skills. Understand where the emotions come from, how they affect the body, how they affect others around you (and vice versa), and how much control over them you have (or don’t have). Not sure where to start? An online therapist in North Carolina can help!
“That sounds great! Now, what do I do to deal with these people around me…”
We are Glad you asked! Here are some tips that may be helpful in navigating difficult people during the holiday season:
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings.
In order to be empathetic and helpful, it is important to acknowledge the other person’s feelings. You don’t have to agree with or understand them, but acknowledging them will help them feel understood and will help you get where they’re coming from. If someone tells you something like “I feel really sad when I look at my room now that my mom died,” do not respond by saying “Well, it shouldn’t make you feel sad! Think about all the good memories you have of your mother! She would want you to be happy right now! She loved this house so much! Why can’t we just move? This house is too big anyway.” Instead say something like “I’m so sorry that this is hard for you!” or “That must be really upsetting.”
Express your concerns about the other person’s behavior.
Express your concerns about the other person’s behavior.
- Don’t make accusations or be accusatory. You don’t want to say, “You’re being passive-aggressive.” That’s likely to result in them responding defensively. Instead, try something more gentle, like “I’m noticing that you’ve seemed more annoyed lately, is there something I can do to help?”
- Keep it non-threatening. It is important that you avoid coming across as threatening or critical when expressing your concerns about someone else’s behavior—particularly if it’s someone close to you (like a partner or family member). It is also important not to use words like “you” in this instance; instead, try using more general terms such as “the situation” or “our relationship.”
Acknowledge the other person’s positive attributes.
- Acknowledge the other person’s positive attributes. The best way to manage stressful conversations is to try and put your own needs aside and acknowledge the other person’s positive characteristics. If you can do this, it will be much easier for them to see how they can meet your needs without feeling defensive or taking offense at what you’re asking of them.
- For example, if you’re needing some help from your partner with cooking and planning the holiday meal, instead of saying, “You never doing any of the shopping or cooking, and I am left to plan and host this thing alone. It’s not fair!”, try saying something like, “I know we both have a lot going on right now. It would mean a lot to me if you could handle the grocery shopping for the holiday meal, and take care of cooking two of the sides. I love when we are able to divide and conquer!”
Engage in “I” statements.
Asking for a favor is a stressful activity for many people, so if you’re anticipating asking someone to do something for you, take the time to mentally prepare yourself. Then, when it comes time to actually ask them, use the “I” statement technique.
When using an “I” statement (rather than a “you” statement), focus on your own feelings and needs instead of blaming others or making accusations about what they’ve done wrong. The idea is that if we acknowledge our own feelings first—for example: “I feel annoyed because I’m running late”—the other person will be more likely to empathize with us and respond in kind.
If this doesn’t work out as expected (and sometimes it won’t), try saying something like: “I was hoping that you could help me out today.” This way, there’s less pressure on them personally; rather than feeling attacked or guilty about not doing enough already during busy times like the holiday seasons!
Clarify what you want to say before you speak.
It may seem like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how often this step gets skipped. Before speaking with someone about their behavior—whether it’s at work or home—it’s important to clarify what you want them to do. Here are some things to consider:
- What do you want the other person to stop doing? Do other people ask intrusive questions? Is a family member “pushy” with your time or boundaries? Are there comments on weight or food choices? Be specific:
Instead of, “I don’t like answering personal questions,” try, “Please don’t ask about [my relationship, my job, my mental health] as I do not want to talk with you about that today!”
- What do you want the other person to do? Are there behaviors that have been bothering you lately but which haven’t been addressed yet? Are there certain responsibilities around the house or at work that aren’t getting done on time? Is there an issue between two people who should speak up about their feelings sooner rather than later (or vice versa)? Whatever it might be, identify those behaviors first before speaking with the other person about them! Again, be specific!:
Instead of, “I want you to help out around the house,” try, “It would be helpful to me if you could do the dishes, clean the cat litter, and turn over the laundry today. Thank you!”
Instead of, “We can’t stay at your parent’s house all night,” try, “I need us to leave your parents by 8pm. Is there something I can do to make sure we are able to stick to this boundary?”
Use the right timing when talking with difficult people.
Knowing when to talk with difficult people is just as important as knowing what to say.
- Don’t talk to difficult people when you’re angry. It’s tempting, but don’t do it! The best thing you can do during this time is calm down, because once the conversation starts going downhill (and it will), there’s no turning back. You’re better off waiting a few hours or even a day for both of your tempers to cool off before trying again.
- Don’t talk to difficult people when you’re tired; this one should be obvious because no one ever has good conversations after staying up until 3:00am binge-watching Netflix shows that are way too addictive for their own good (like “Schitts Creek” or “Friends”). Instead, get some sleep and come back fresh tomorrow morning.
- Don’t talk to difficult people when hungry; hunger leads to irritability and impatience in most cases—and an irritated person won’t make any progress persuading someone else of anything! So eat something healthy first if possible before engaging in any kind of discussion with someone who makes things hard on purpose (or by accident).
Difficult people can become less difficult if you are willing to be assertive and set clear boundaries with them.
If you’ve been working at it, you may have noticed that difficult people can become less difficult if you are willing to be assertive and set clear boundaries with them. Being assertive is an important skill to have in your back pocket because it lets the other person know where you stand on an issue.
- Say what you mean, and mean what you say
- Don’t make excuses for why things aren’t working out
- Be direct about your needs or desires without being argumentative or confrontational
Last but not least, no one should feel forced to be in situations where they feel disrespected or unsafe. Setting a boundary may include not attending events with family, or having a way to leave a situation that is harmful to you or those you love. Remember, no is a full sentence.
“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” – James Baldwin
Consider support from an online therapist in North Carolina!
Remember, the holidays may be great for some, may be awful for others, and can be overwhelming for all. Keep an eye on signs of stress and reach out for professional support if things get overwhelming. If you think you may need some extra support with managing stress, anxiety treatment, or relationship and communication struggles, click here and contact us today. Our team of online therapists in North Carolina are ready to offer you individualized treatment today! Click here to schedule your free 20-min consult with our North Carolina therapists today!
